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 Cinder 
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
    
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 Posted:
Thu Feb 15, 2018 6:22 pm Post subject: Smiles are good for your health |
 
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1. Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks
"Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The ad said 18 or over."
2. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were $70. Forget it, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.
3. I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
4. Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.
5. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 a.m.
Can you believe that! 2:30 a.m.?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
6. The wife was counting all the nickels and dimes out on the kitchen
table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
7. An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled
the world, has swum with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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 FairyKitty
Cadet 4
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Joined: Jan 18, 2018
Member#: 46015
Posts: 16
Location: http://www.ourworld.com
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Posted:
Wed Feb 21, 2018 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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Nice one!
_________________
I'm the heart of swing
I'm the twist and shout
When you gotta sing,
When you gotta let it out
You call me and I come a-running
I turn the music on; I bring the fun in
Now, we're partying
That's what it's all about |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT 'LIVING IN WASHINGTON
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Washington .
If you've worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Washington.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Washington.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington .
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Washington.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Washington.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Washington.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Washington.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Washington.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Washington.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Washington.
If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Washington.
If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Washington.
If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Washington.
If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal, you live in Washington.
If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Washington.
If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Washington.
If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Washington.
If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Washington.
If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Washington.
If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Washington.
If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Washington.
If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Washington .
If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Washington.
If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Washington.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Washington friends, you live or have lived in Washington.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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Dumb Washington Laws
# All lollipops are banned.
# A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town."
# It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
# People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
# All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.
# It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich.
# You are not allowed to breast feed in public.
# When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.
# You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that "no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.
# You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.
Auburn
# Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.
Bremerton
# You may not chuck peanuts on the street.
Everett
# It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.
Lynden
# Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.
Seattle
# You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
# Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.
# No one may set fire to another person's property without prior permission.
# It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.
Spokane
# TV's may not be bought on Sundays.
Waldron Island
# No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)
Wilbur
# You may not ride an ugly horse. Yep...I must live in Washington !
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:53 pm Post subject: Doctor Visit |
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Sep 13 at 5:39 PM
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children AND seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:55 pm Post subject: He is ok now |
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This happened at an assisted living center.
The people who live here have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up to his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:56 pm Post subject: Gray hair |
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Gray hair
At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.
Don't laugh....It is all true!
Perks of reaching 50
Or being over 60 And heading towards 70 or beyond!
1. Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.
In a hostage situation, You are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run -- Anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a Hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left To learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now Won't wear out.
8. You can eat Supper at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex But not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments About pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits As a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room.
13. You sing along With elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get Much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists Than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends Because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to A manageable size.
19. You can't remember Who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all In big print For your convenience.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:56 pm Post subject: Sharing |
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The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered:
'THE TEETH.'
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 3:57 pm Post subject: Old Dogs |
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A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do do now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
This made me smile!
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs . Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Morg
Admiral (Administrator)
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Joined: Apr 20, 2002
Member#: 57
Posts: 431
Location: San Francisco, CA
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Posted:
Fri Sep 14, 2018 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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This just made me fall out of my chair at work laughing so hard!
_________________
“Without music, life would be a mistake.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Sat Sep 15, 2018 10:02 am Post subject: |
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One is happy to be of service, Morg!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Sun Sep 16, 2018 1:32 pm Post subject: prescription medicine on t.v. |
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I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to be advertised on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.
But this is definitely an exception!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the
world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and,
with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had..
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who would not
mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache,
dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this important medical information!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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GameBX
Cadet 1
Joined: Oct 14, 2018
Member#: 47081
Posts: 1
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Posted:
Sun Oct 14, 2018 10:11 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you! I have a nice holiday here, it is very comfortable for me
GameBX |
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 607
Lieutenant
Joined: Sep 19, 2018
Member#: 46975
Posts: 222
Location: Amersfoort
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Posted:
Mon Oct 15, 2018 2:09 pm Post subject: Re: Smiles are good for your health |
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| Cinder wrote: |
1. Nineteen Newfoundlanders go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks
"Why so many of you?" Buddy replies, "The ad said 18 or over."
[snipped the rest]
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Very nice, did you make these up? I hadn't heard any of them before! |
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Cinder
Commodore
Joined: May 15, 2005
Member#: 10213
Posts: 3317
Location: Washington state
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Posted:
Mon Oct 15, 2018 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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To GameBX- well ok then! As long as the weather is good for you and you live there, you are a winner!!
--*
To 607-Oh I am clever person to be sure, but not a writer! I am clever in finding fun stuff to read and share, but that is it! I am delighted you are enjoying this silly stuff!!
_________________
A good sound track will let me relive the movie, I can cry over them as well. Hand me the tissues...please. |
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