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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
   
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 Posted:
Thu Jul 01, 2004 12:44 pm Post subject: |
 
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Bumper stickers:
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind... back in five minutes.
Look busy - God's coming.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Eschew obfuscation.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Laugh alone and people cross the street to avoid you.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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 Pixie
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: May 14, 2002
Member#: 90
Posts: 372
Location: Los Angeles, CA
 
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Posted:
Thu Jul 01, 2004 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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Saw this on a sign outside of someone's apartment:
Printed nicely like from a computer:
"Stop stealing our f*cking plants *sshole"
(sign was placed above some rather dead looking plants)
Handwritten on the sign below the printed message:
"Well if they are your f*cking plants, then I am actually rescuing them, not stealing them"
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Thu Jul 01, 2004 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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LOL! Sometimes you see real wierd ones. 
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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 Robert_Locksley
Commander
Joined: Apr 14, 2003
Member#: 980
Posts: 536
Location: British Columbia
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Posted:
Sun Jul 04, 2004 11:03 pm Post subject: |
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The Way LIFE Should Be!
My friend states that the most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough enough as it is. It takes up a lot of your time and what do you get at the end of it? A Death! I mean give me a break...what's that supposed to be - a bonus?!?! My buddy thinks that the whole life cycle is backwards and should be changed to go like this.
First of all, you should die and get that out of the way. Then, you go live in an old age home which you will soon be kicked out of for being too healthy. You begin collecting your pension and when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party and you get ready for High School. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. You become a baby, and spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries, like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!
Author unknown
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"Get it?...Got it!...GOOD!" -- The Court Jester |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Wed Jul 07, 2004 11:56 am Post subject: |
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Funny signs from around the world.
Cyprus: Faiq Jewellers and Faiq Moneychangers in Muscat.
A sign from a Texas shop window: "Shoplifters will be beaten, stabbed and stomped. Survivors will be prosecuted."
Dry Cleaners in Bangkok: "Drop your trousers here for best results."
A Nairobi restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Lethal Pool
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in."
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:29 pm Post subject: |
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Answering Service At Mental Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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 JERIC 
Fleet Admiral (Proprietor)
Joined: Feb 12, 2002
Member#: 1
Posts: 4939
Location: Richmond, VA
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Posted:
Thu Jul 08, 2004 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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Cute
_________________
"Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?." -Maximus
Please do not PM me. Use email, Feedback or Contact Us links. |
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Techo
Lieutenant
Joined: Feb 12, 2004
Member#: 5054
Posts: 183
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Posted:
Sun Jul 11, 2004 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Wolf, the last one has some really good ones. I like the one about the "Dry Cleaners in Bangkok", LOL.
My favorites
| Wolf wrote: |
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you." |
| Pixie wrote: |
Saw this on a sign outside of someone's apartment:
Printed nicely like from a computer:
"Stop stealing our f*cking plants *sshole"
(sign was placed above some rather dead looking plants)
Handwritten on the sign below the printed message:
"Well if they are your f*cking plants, then I am actually rescuing them, not stealing them"
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That's a classic! I love the ones that really happened.
Here is a funny I recently read
The Flight
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Toronto to Glasgow. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a £5 note and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and National Library, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her £500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?". Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.
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and
The Importance of Email
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It's wise to remember how easily the wonderful technology of e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for
your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Mon Jul 12, 2004 8:35 am Post subject: |
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LOL! That last one was good. Had heard it before but it still cracks me up.
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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Wolf
Lieutenant Commander
Joined: Mar 06, 2002
Member#: 16
Posts: 448
Location: Right behind you...
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Posted:
Mon Jul 12, 2004 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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Here is a good advice...
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=2028&id=1
I know it might sound stupid but... how the heck do you get an image to show up? I tried the Img tag but for some reason it did not load...
_________________
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate... leads to suffering. |
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Diamondback
Lieutenant
Joined: Jun 18, 2004
Member#: 7050
Posts: 135
Location: Chesapeake, VA
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Posted:
Thu Jul 15, 2004 3:48 pm Post subject: |
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I don't have any jokes. But I do have a website to suggest: www.engrish.com .
e.g. A coffee called BM, and wall graffiti that says FACK YOU MAN.
_________________
It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone. - Homer Simpson
http://DiamondbackGS.blogspot.com/
My Metroid fan site: The Metroid Vault. |
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unoplank
Cadet 1
Joined: May 20, 2004
Member#: 6719
Posts: 4
Location: Portland, OR
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Posted:
Fri Jul 16, 2004 6:19 pm Post subject: My weak attempt. |
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What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Spoiler: | Christopher Walken |
_________________
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours; that's relativity. -- Albert Einstein" |
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JERIC
Fleet Admiral (Proprietor)
Joined: Feb 12, 2002
Member#: 1
Posts: 4939
Location: Richmond, VA
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Posted:
Sat Jul 17, 2004 10:32 am Post subject: |
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Oh man.
_________________
"Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?." -Maximus
Please do not PM me. Use email, Feedback or Contact Us links. |
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 mellowman
Captain
Joined: Sep 02, 2003
Member#: 2939
Posts: 1119
Location: UK
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Posted:
Sat Jul 17, 2004 10:36 am Post subject: |
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Ow! That "joke" actually hurts. |
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